Sure you might be prepared for the zombie apocalypse with food to last you a year and enough guns and ammunition to take over the tiny island nation of Canada, but are you really ready for the holidays?
Even well trained soldiers who have seen mortal combat have been known to cringe in fear when their doorbell rings and their relatives descend upon them like the four horsemen of the apocalypse. So what’s a Prepper to do in order to avoid a disaster? Stock up of course. And as always, have a fallback plan…
First thing is to make sure there’s plenty of food in the house, just as you would when facing any emergency. Whether it’s a turkey or a roast, make sure you’ve got one big enough to feed all of your guests plus anyone who might pop-in unexpectedly. Be sure to have lots of appetizers as well. Salami, cheese, crackers, olives, chips and salsa. It’s a little known fact that feeding your relatives as much as possible keeps them from turning into zombies.
Secondly, make sure there’s plenty to drink. Beer and wine tend to be best as they’re mild libations and it’s easy to control how much everyone is drinking thereby keeping them happy without things getting out of control. Remember the year grandma finished her fifth gin and tonic and told your Uncle Ralphie where to shove it? Don’t need a repeat of that now do we? Avoid the hard liquor and you’ll see fewer zombies.
Next you need to load up the DVR. Nothing keeps the zombies at bay like a full load of Christmas movies. Works great on relatives and children too. Personally I like to hit them with a mix of classic and contemporaries like Christmas Vacation, Miracle on 34th Street, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, and if all else fails I pull out the AR-15 equivalent of all Christmas movies, “A Christmas Story”. Works every time.
Finally, if all else fails, you need to be prepared to Bug Out. In a holiday bug out situation I like to have two bug out locations scoped and ready. One is generally close by and meant only for temporary short-term bugouts. Could be out in the garage for a half-hour of peace and quiet, just enough to calm the nerves. I’ll take an out of the way bathroom in a pinch just as long as the kids aren’t banging on the door.
However if the s*** really hits the fan (e.g. your 16 year old cousin’s tattoo gets noticed by her dad for the first time) then you’re going to have to bug out for at least an hour or so and neither the garage nor bathroom will be safe. This takes some preparation but if you’re clever and plan wisely you can pull it off and get out of dodge. Number one, make sure to casually mention to your spouse a few days ahead of time that you’ve got a present for a friend that you’d like to drop off at some point. Second, make a mutual survival pact with this friend so that if either one of you needs to bug out you have a safe place to run to. Sort of a holiday preparedness group. Third, when making your move, do it quietly or you’ll never get out of the house. You can always remind your spouse later that you had previously mentioned having to drop off a present. Of course if your truck is blocked in the driveway by all of your guest’s cars you’re going to have a problem. So remember to position your bug out vehicle for a quick getaway!
Follow these guidelines and you should make it through this holiday and many more to come without a scratch.
Of course I joke. But I figured, who wants to read about the end of the world on Christmas? Happy Holidays from Prep-Blog.